hope

To anyone who's met me in person, it probably goes without saying that I err on the quiet side. Depending on my mood and how much sleep I've been making myself get, sometimes far on the quiet side. I often find this extremely vexing. I envy people with vibrant, bold personalities - people who stand up for things and speak their minds. They make it look so easy, so natural. It can be so hard for me - hard to remember, hard to do.

All this in spite of the fact that I know a personality switch on my part would change only the particular nature of my sins - not their pervasiveness or gravity. These things are rather easier to accept in theory than to really, truly believe.

But this morning in the quiet at work, somewhere between the cinnamon rolls and the lattes and the chocolate chunk cookies, something struck me.

I thought, what if God is letting me show myself initially to the world as a timid people-pleaser, so that as He grants me grace to learn courage (as I believe He is, a little and a little at a time), it will be only that much more evident that none but the hand of God could do this thing.

He used a runaway prince with a speech impediment to lead His people for forty years.

He used fishermen and tax collectors to lay the foundation of His Church.

He used a talking donkey once, for Pete's sake, to keep a man from destroying himself.

He can do something with little old me - and I hope and pray that He will.

notes on a scandal

(or: a few things I've discovered in the more recent portion of my brief stay on this queer planet)

There are better and worse ways to make chai tea at home.

In spite of my thus-far non-habit of using them, I really like aprons - chiefly because they allow a cook to wipe her hands off on herself without a second thought.

It's delightfully acceptable to wear fuzzy socks to church, if you also wear boots and a long skirt to cover them up.

I guess my sister eats chocolate chips under stress (current example: Chinese checkers with Keegan).

Even I have my competitive moments.

According to Keegan, the only difference between himself and Justin Bieber is that he (by which I mean Keegan) doesn't have any recording contracts.

I hate changing clothes. One way to decrease stress on a Sunday afternoon is to leave on most of your church clothes - exchanging, perhaps, a skirt for a pair of jeans - and then making the minimal switch back to decency in time for the evening service.

I also hate brushing my teeth. (Don’t worry, I do it, I just don’t enjoy it.)I have yet to come up with a good solution for this problem. It’s possible there isn’t one.

However, I actually kind of enjoy washing dishes. I find this a little peculiar, but convenient.

Dark chocolate-hazelnut lattes are pretty good, too.

appreciation

The trick: not to require it myself, yet not to neglect showing it to others.

Too bad it's so much easier to get it backwards.

Pretty much amazing that nothing is impossible with God - and He's on my side.

Or rather, I'm on His.

pleasant places

So I had expectations regarding our first family vacation in probably twelve years (if I'm counting right).

So they weren't all met with any phenomenal degree of precision (a few came pretty close).

So I struggled for 2/3 of an afternoon with disappointment and general disgruntlement about the content of the above two sentences - and subsequently got over it.

So what?

It was a splendid time.

One thing I noticed on our last day at the cabin was what a seeming overabundance of cell phones our family posesses (that word has way too many s's in it). We recently discontinued our subscription to the conventional practice of using a land line - investing instead in a new total of five cellular communication devices. (So if you've been trying to call our home phone ... that's why it hasn't been working.)

At home it really is the next thing to a necessity to have so many, with all our various jobs and errands and projects and whatnot.

At the lake, it seemed superfluous. We were all together. Why these piles of phones? They mostly lay useless on the desk all week.

Part of me wishes we didn't need them. I wish life could go back to how it was when we were little, when if one of us went somewhere, all of us went somewhere. Simplicity - that was the word.

But our vacation this year wasn't just good because it was good to be together and relax and rejuvenate next to a beautiful lake. It was fun and lovely while it lasted, but to my surprise, when it was over I was ready to go home. I realized how much I love my life - how incredibly, out-of-this-world-amazingly God has blessed me.

With strange delight, I find that I'm not dragging my feet as I return to the real world. I'm excited to get back into giving piano lessons, taking cello lessons, cleaning elevator offices, working at coffee shops, playing with my favorite kids, trying new recipes, spending time with friends, even cleaning our perpetually messy house - not to even begin to mention all the projects I really should be working on, and haven't even started yet.

And I think that's what a vacation should be for. To step back, breathe easy for a few days while you take a good look at how good you have it - and then dive back in, all rested up and ready to go.

I sat in my car for a few minutes after I got home from work tonight, listening to the last track on Judy Rogers' Psalms CD. The moon was sliced in half in the dark September sky, grey clouds drifting across. So beautiful. So unearthly beautiful.

And then I noticed that the half-moon looked like the head on a body made of clouds, and I laughed because the beauty transcended my trivial, comedic mind, and encompassed it and embraced it, and laughed with me - and I was only an echo - only a happy echo.

O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.
(Psalm 16:5-6)

lesson learned:

#762

Don't try to paddle a canoe all the way across Lake Okoboji, and back again, on a windy day.

On the other hand, praise God for super-friendly people who help pull stranded canoes out of the water, and let Sacagawea-wannabes use their cell phones to call in the rescue squad.

Thank Him for strong, forgiving dads and brothers, too, who constitute the majority of said rescue squad.

We live and learn. At any rate, we live.

Ode to How Much Better I Feel When I Get Enough Sleep, and Take it Early

You stayed up late again last night.
This was not wise - you knew!
You wandered off to find your bed;
You changed your mind! Oh, silly head!
A Chopin film was on instead-
A choice you surely rue.

Remember back to days of yore-
It happened once or twice-
When sleep you found at early hours,
You dreamt of butterflies and flowers,
And woke with strange, refreshing powers-
Oh, how unearthly nice.

The grass was green when you arose;
The birds with vim did sing;
The sun might shine, or hide its face-
Small consequence, in either case,
For glad contentment found its place,
Whate'er the sky might bring.

With energy your tasks at hand
Were swiftly made complete.
You felt alive with each exhale,
And smiled to both succeed and fail;
Your foes ran off, their faces pale,
Full swathed in sore defeat.

Oh, go to bed on time tonight!
Forget not what you learned:
The night is dark and made for sleep-
You cannot sow and fail to reap-
These fleeting hours you cannot keep.
Be from this folly turned.

Your life will not be always bright-
The waves will still crash in;
But God made man to need his rest,
In order to be fully blessed
With strength to fight and live the best,
And find his rest in Him.

Sleep, sleep, beautiful sleep!
Sleep of the evening,
Beautiful sleep.

precip at the lake

I like rainy days.
I love thunderstorms.
I like eating waffles and fried ham for breakfast with my family.
I enjoy walking to the lodge in the rain with Cami, skipping out on our intended mission of asking for a key to the "rec check" building, and having an impromptu, possibly illegal piano concert in the abandoned auditorium.
I like spending three hours on a 550-piece puzzle with the above-mentioned sister.
I sort of like listening to the multiple episodes of "Bonanza" playing in the next room, and laughing because ... well, what else can you do?
I rather enjoy building a chain of dominoes across the dining room floor with Eli, even if we have to do it three times because someone keeps prematurely setting it off.
I get an inordinate amount of pleasure out of looking forward to eating freshly caught fish for supper.
I like the grey of the sky and the wind in the trees.
I like the angry, restless water.
I like the lush green, and everything wet.
I like my family a lot.
And I like peaches.
Not that we have any.